Before all else is said, know that a lot happened on my trip - a lot that I'll remember always. And not all of it was good. There are a lot of things that I can't even articulate, things that keep me awake at night, for fear of seeing them again each time I close my eyes. Things that I couldn't even discuss with someone who has been there and done that, because just thinking about it clamped my throat shut and brought on the tears. But I need to articulate them, I need to get them out. And I know there are a lot of you that want to know about the things I've seen, the things I've done and the things I learned along the way. So this is for you; but it is also for me.
India is magical - there is no other word to describe it. Whether or not that is good or bad, depends on your ability to cope with the environment you are in, at any given moment. Your mood plays a *very* big part in your ability to interact and process. The ideal way to do that was to simply accept India on it's own terms - don't try to conform it to your notions of what it should or shouldn't be. You have to laugh, have fun and be respectful. And there were times when this was hard to do - but you really do have to try your best. I had my ups, too many to count, just as I had my downs. But in honesty, the ups far outweighed the downs, a hundredfold, largely in part because of the people - both the people of India and my fellow travelers. The people made the trip what it was... a success!
One thing that I found on my voyage was that whenever I truly wanted something, when it was something that mattered, something that I needed, I always tended to find it. It was as if the universe itself were conspiring to give me what I wanted/needed most, just as it says in The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho). There was nothing, and I mean nothing, that I lacked on this trip because it always seemed to land in my lap, so to speak. Whenever I really wanted to find something or do something, it miraculously always seemed to occur. Yes, there were moments of sadness, but also great moments of joy and needed moments of release.
I told my cousin, while I was abroad, that any attempt on my part to articulate what India was for me, would come across as a bad attempt at poetry. I need to revisit that attempt and share it with you now. Its the only way to show you what this place did for me.
I've seen things that would break your heart and bring you to tears of absolute grief. I've seen things that would make your heart sing with joy and and bring a smile to your face. I've heard the living melody of the seemingly dead and barren desert and dead silence in a very much alive city of over 15,000,000 people. I've seen sadness etched on the faces of those in desperation and I've seen haughtiness and a complete lack of compassion on the faces of those who live in excess. I've seen starving children on the side of the road, so skinny as to be near death, but playing, and laughing and singing as though nothing in life were wrong. I've seen the cruelty that life and chance can inflict on the undeserving, and I've seen the undeserving afforded every chance that life can offer. I've seen the faces of those who are dying, and watched as they died - and I could offer no comfort, for there is no comfort to be given to those who are passing in such agony. I've witnessed the cruelty of intolerant people towards lesser lifeforms. In truth, I watched murderous slaughter on such a scale as to make me feel ill. All of this and more I've witnessed. And it breaks my heart, haunts my dreams and has changed me in such a profound way.I will never be the same again...
You know, I've watched as those in need of the basic necessities squandered the limited resources they had at their disposal. I've watched as they carelessly destroy the very things that could afford them a better future. Careless, lack of education or simply resignation to a life they see no escape from? I can't answer that, but I would hazard its a little of each. Whatever it is, it's enough to make you realize what you have, what you take for granted in your every day life. Something as simple as the water you drink or the lights that enable you to see at night or the heat that keeps you from freezing to death in the dead of a winter night.
Yet, for all of that, India was not all doom and gloom. It was far from it. These things I am referencing are scattered moments and not encompassing of the trip I undertook. Yes, I am changed for them, yes I am a little battle scarred for having to recall them, but they are a part of the package. Without them, I doubt the end result would be the same.
I watched the sun rise and set over jungle, ocean and desert. I've heard cities awaken as the sun crested the horizon, a hundred thousand people beginning their days in prayer. I've heard the monkeys and birds awaken in the Himalaya in response to those chanted mantras. I've sat alone in the mountains and listened to the gurgling of an isolated waterfall, carrying its bounty of fresh water to a village at the base of the trail. I've seen architectural wonders whose craftsmanship would move the hardest of hearts to tears, just as the Taj Mahal did for me. I witnessed the reverence that devotees have for their deities, in song, dance and art; such works of art - tapestries, paintings and sculpture - wow! I've watched the shimmering silk sarees blowing in the wind as women would carry their day's food purchases home on their heads. I've seen children playing at games that bring them such laughter and happiness - and I've even joined in with them, laughing along and losing badly! I've shared my bounty with those who asked for none, and declined any form of repayment from them, aside from the pleasure of a few moments of their lives to share. I've watched the storms gather and crash against the flood plains of Varanasi, the awe-inspiring sunrise at Agra and so many more wonders! There is no way for me to tell you of all the beauty I experienced. I hope this small sampling is enough. What I will expand on though is the Taj Mahal, because seeing it and touching it awaken such a feeling. For me, I finally understood what love was and what it should be. Why? Because I know that it took 22 years to build it, and it was built by a man whose wife died in childbirth - he did it for her as a tomb. 22 years! If that isn't love, then what is? I finally saw and touched beauty on a scale that I've never seen before. The craftsmanship is so exquisite - every detail is etched forever in my mind's eye. I don't think anything will ever compare...
Everyone who comes to India says it changes them in some way, and it is true. It is never the same for everyone, but there is one thing we all have in common and that is we experience an awakening. We come to see that all of the perceived sensations we are experiencing are nothing more than a reflection of what we've had inside of us all along. And you know what I found? I found that I am a compassionate person. I am a good and decent person. I value life and laughter. I have found that I am intolerant of injustice and ignorance. In short, because I could go on forever here, I found that I am a much better person than I ever believed I was. That is what India did for me...
And I know, there is no way I can ever convince you of all of this - in truth that is not my problem. It is what it is, and I am who I am, the rest is not my issue. You know what else I discovered in India? I discovered that there is more to life than those superficial attachments we have to possession. I found mysticism, faith and above all else, I found hope.
I met a sadhu (holy man) on my second day in India and he charted out for me what was to happen on my trip, in very great detail. And he was not wrong on ANY count. I won't go into it all, because its for me, not for you. But he was right and that's what matters - he knew things there was no way he could know. The most important thing he told me was that I wasn't looking for answers, because I already had them - it was the questions I was looking for. Now you tell me, was he right or wrong? Consider well what I said about India showing us what was there all along inside of us... yes, I had the answers. I just had to quiet my mind, so that my heart could speak to me.
And trust me, my friends, once the mind and the heart are able to speak freely, there is nothing you cannot accomplish with determination. There is nothing you cannot have when you pursue it with pure desire. When you want something bad enough, the universe conspires to give it to you, indeed - you should all read The Alchemist (L'achimiste en francais) once before dismissing what I am saying out of hand. My experiences taught me that, not the book. I also learned that we really need to follow our dreams, because a life without dreams is a life not worth living. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. And I learned that the things I wanted most were here with all of you, not somewhere over the next horizon.
I learned to love. I learned to cherish what is truly important. I learned to live my life, on my own terms without conforming to what others deem is appropriate for me. I learned to give, selflessly and to be gracious when someone offers of themselves.
But most importantly, I learned to forgive. And to those of you who feel a little guilty right now, it's okay; I forgive you. And with that, I've said all I want to say about it for the night. It's called part one for a reason - there will be others. Until such a time as a feel up to it, this will have to suffice...
I hope you now understand a little better what it was I've been through, both good and bad. And I trust in your tact not to remind me of things that are best forgotten - not that I will for many years to come I am sure. When I am ready, I will go into detail. For now, I feel purged somewhat...
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